LOL

Its been quite sometime that I really laugh. Honestly, I just can't remember when I was at my happiest moments. Here I am, trying hard to recall the time that I enjoyed a good laugh. I just can't remember when. So pathetic...! Sigh.

This makes me want to cry. And I don't want to. I had enough tears shed lately. No, am not going to cry anymore. But...when was it ya?...

Yes, it was fun when we met during Chinese New Year gathering at Suat Chu's last Saturday. Met Zuber, whom I have not seen for the last 28 years! Also, met Zuhdi, whom we last saw each other during Primary 6, way back 33 years ago! Though it was indeed a special moment, but, I did not really laugh out loud. We were busy sharing stories of our whereabout during those separation years. We did laugh a few times in the course of storytelling, but not laughing to the point of holding your breath and your stomach so hard, or till you're red faced, or till all of us jumped up and down... No. It was not like that.

CNY @ Suat Chu's

So now... I am still thinking hard of my happiest moments and great laugh...

Does this mean that I am not enjoying myself now? Did I not know how to have fun now?

Me, of all persons, was always the centre of attention especially when I spoke or made jokes. But now, I rarely crack a joke. Of late, I rarely mingle with others. Yesterday, a few colleagues commented on me being different. Hmmm.... Heard the same comments from my siblings too. Right now it seems that my preference is to be alone. Do my things, alone. Truly enjoying my moments, alone.

Hopefully no one is fretting. Hopefully no heart is broken. Nothing was done on purpose. It all come naturally. I honestly did not realize that I am doing all those things, alone...until someone mentioned it to me. Sigh.

Well, it is not bad to be alone, right? I am okay. I am so used to loneliness. But when people highlighted it to me... it triggers my thought. And, I began to wonder. As long as I am happy, in my own way, then let me be.

Not that I am alone all the time though. I do have company... but recently, I became very selective. Its my preference. I befriend only people whom I truly trusted. Tested and trusted. People like this are indeed a rare breed, especially in this 'dog eats dog' world. Be trustworthy, be open and be reliable... the only three things that I cherish in any friendship or relationship.

After so many paragraphs written, I still can't recall my 'laughing' moments... or me at my peak of happiness. O gosh... this is bad, really bad. How can I not recalling any? Sigh. I'll try to think hard tonight and post it some other time. I will.

Kalambicara is thinking hard to recall the happy moments...tick tock tick tock tick tock!!

Stuck-in-the-Middle

I am stuck-in-the-middle!

And, I don't like it.

To move backwards, is not my style.

To move forward, there's a barrier, a gatekeeper or whatever you may call it.

So, how can I get things done fast?

How can I get my goals achieved?

How can I get my mission accomplished?

Can you just give me room to expand?

Can you please allow me to prove that my magic portion is working too?

Can you? Can you?

Please... pretty please...

I am truly stuck-in-the-middle!!!

Kalambicara is trying hard to escape from this muddy situation...gtg...

Suratan atau Kebetulan

Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau sekadar satu kebetulan

Kita asyik membicarakan
Persoalan hidup dan pilihan
Serta kejujuran semakin berkurang
Masih tiada bertemu jawapan

Walau kita dihadapkan
Dengan berbagai pilihan
Mengapa sering terjadi
Pilihan tak menepati

Hingga amat menakutkan
Menghadapi masa depan
Seolah telah terhapus
Sebuah kehidupan yang kudus

Pertemuan sekali ini
Bagi diriku amat bererti
Tetapi ku bimbang untuk menyatakan
Bimbangkan berulang kesilapan

No elaboration this time. Kalambicara is in deep thoughts...still.

Damn it! Damn it!

I am so pissed off today. Things that I already foresee will happen is now happening. Shit! I knew it! I knew it!

So far, throughout these years of living in this real world, my instinct never failed me. My intuitive signals to-date is always correct.

But, still... out of being convinced by other matters, I disregard my instinct. Also, due to the inavailability of other choices.

And today, it is well proven, again, as always, my instinct is right! I am utterly upset.

Upset to the point that upon arriving at work today, my eye dam broke. It burst uncontrollably. Naturally. Alone at my table. Until my staff arrived that I tried hard to hold back my tears.

I had four meetings to attend before lunch today. One of it was obviously on the subject matter that triggered my upsetness... and I had to swallow it, come what may. Damn! Damn! Damn!

I don't know how else to be firm and assertive on certain matters. Yes, being in this corporate world for so many years, I know its a 'dog eats dog' world... but being me, I am always obedient and complacent, to the point that I ended up being the victim (I think!).

Though there are others who advised me to take it positively, its all about the learning process, that work is part of 'the ibadah', the sharing of knowledge and experience, bla bla bla... God Almighty knows it all, etc etc... but dear all, tell me, tell me now, please, who is suffering here? It is still me, the one and only, yours truly, and no one else. Period.

Enough... I better stop my ramblings. Apart from letting it off my chest, letting my steam out, it gets no where. The more I pursue, the more I'm hurt, and its all affecting me and my mind, personally, not anyone else. Easier said than done...

Thus, I guess this is it. This is part of life...of working life, to be exact. This is the reality. This is not fantasy. And I have to take the burden, so its not worth pondering much... it will upset me more.

Kalambicara needs to start work now that lunch hour is almost over... sob! sob!

Its the Federal Territory Day!

I applied leave today merely to settle the roadtax of my car. Tomorrow is the expiry date.

Before I fell asleep last nite, I planned my itinerary for today. To accomplish the first task. Then to go to a financial insitution to update my unit trust matters. Later to meet a friend from the former office for lunch and finally home to laze and finish the book that I am currently reading.

As usual, every morning when I woke up, I will on the radio, grab the towel and proceed to the bathroom. Did the same thing today. And then... I heard the news about the Federal Territory Day celebration today...

For a moment I stood still. What happened to me? How can I forget that, when most of the tasks to be done today as mentioned above, will take place in KL city! (my office is under the Selangor state, not FD)

I turned back from the entrance of the bathroom door, and walked back to my bed. Stunted. Am already on leave. Normally when I took leave, I will really make full use of the day. Unless, I did plan to just be at home, doing nothing, just home. But this is not THE day...

In the process of thinking on what to do today... I got a message from the university that I am lecturing on part time basis. They wanted the final exam papers by Monday. Aaarrggghhh! So fast! I still have a few chapters to cover the syllabus...of the two subjects that I am teaching.

Anyway, that message then became the solution to this silly situation of mine. Thus, I decided to be good today, be at home and focus on the exam questions. Well at least, my mum has company during the day today.

My mum was of course happy that she has company. Though I was in my room upstairs most of the time, I did came down once a while to assist her in the kitchen. As today is Friday, she normally cooks special dinner. My two younger sisters, both college students, one is doing Quantity Survey and the youngest, Dentistry, will be back for the weekend and the house will not be quiet like the weekdays when only three of us at home, each occupying one room, doing own thing respectively.

Today is extraordinary special. I don't know why. She cooked 'kerutub hati and daging' and make 'pulut kuning' as well. I did asked and she said, "Sajo yah, Ma teraso nok make pulut kuning nga kerutub"... in her typuical Kelatanese dialect, of course. I helped with the 'acar mentah' and other simple dishes.

Deep inside, I know... shes happy that all of us can have early dinner together. I rarely joined the Friday dinner with them cos' its a weekday and I always reached home earliest by 8.00 pm... (well, most of the time lah!)... usually I ate alone or merely 'ratah the lauk' since its already late...

It was indeed fun actually to see the excitement when my younger sisters arrived. Upon entering the house, at the gate, they will be calling ...."Ma Ma... Adik balik...Chique balik...niiii!!!" A rare occassion to me (their Kak Long) as well, cos' I seldom witnessed the moments. And today, I did. Actually, they came back every weekend. Another sister of mine (whom they addressed as Kak Je) who is a teacher, will ardently drove to UiTM to pick them, wihout fail, every weekend, and later do their loads of weekly dirty laundry.

To me its really a bliss for tnem. They are lucky. During my time, my parents were in Kelantan, weekend means lazing in the hostel room, reading novel, did some washing and later hanging the clothes, all with my two bare hands and later had lunch and dinner of 'nasi kawah' at the hostel's dining hall. Now that all of us are now here in KL, they are so much pampered. How I wish I am back as student and get the same treatment like them now...the comfort of home and mum's cooking every weekend. What a joy!

Back to my forgetfulness this morning... Is this the sign of old age? Ouch! Got to really use my mind a lot, do mind boggling activities, like doing some difficult word puzzle, cracked my head on the Sudoku board and the like... to exercise my mind and alert mental thinking. Really must do these...

Kalambicara needs to browse the net to check on some puzzle...till then... :)