LOL

Its been quite sometime that I really laugh. Honestly, I just can't remember when I was at my happiest moments. Here I am, trying hard to recall the time that I enjoyed a good laugh. I just can't remember when. So pathetic...! Sigh.

This makes me want to cry. And I don't want to. I had enough tears shed lately. No, am not going to cry anymore. But...when was it ya?...

Yes, it was fun when we met during Chinese New Year gathering at Suat Chu's last Saturday. Met Zuber, whom I have not seen for the last 28 years! Also, met Zuhdi, whom we last saw each other during Primary 6, way back 33 years ago! Though it was indeed a special moment, but, I did not really laugh out loud. We were busy sharing stories of our whereabout during those separation years. We did laugh a few times in the course of storytelling, but not laughing to the point of holding your breath and your stomach so hard, or till you're red faced, or till all of us jumped up and down... No. It was not like that.

CNY @ Suat Chu's

So now... I am still thinking hard of my happiest moments and great laugh...

Does this mean that I am not enjoying myself now? Did I not know how to have fun now?

Me, of all persons, was always the centre of attention especially when I spoke or made jokes. But now, I rarely crack a joke. Of late, I rarely mingle with others. Yesterday, a few colleagues commented on me being different. Hmmm.... Heard the same comments from my siblings too. Right now it seems that my preference is to be alone. Do my things, alone. Truly enjoying my moments, alone.

Hopefully no one is fretting. Hopefully no heart is broken. Nothing was done on purpose. It all come naturally. I honestly did not realize that I am doing all those things, alone...until someone mentioned it to me. Sigh.

Well, it is not bad to be alone, right? I am okay. I am so used to loneliness. But when people highlighted it to me... it triggers my thought. And, I began to wonder. As long as I am happy, in my own way, then let me be.

Not that I am alone all the time though. I do have company... but recently, I became very selective. Its my preference. I befriend only people whom I truly trusted. Tested and trusted. People like this are indeed a rare breed, especially in this 'dog eats dog' world. Be trustworthy, be open and be reliable... the only three things that I cherish in any friendship or relationship.

After so many paragraphs written, I still can't recall my 'laughing' moments... or me at my peak of happiness. O gosh... this is bad, really bad. How can I not recalling any? Sigh. I'll try to think hard tonight and post it some other time. I will.

Kalambicara is thinking hard to recall the happy moments...tick tock tick tock tick tock!!